Harlequins RL 18 Salford City Reds 18

The day starts unfeasibly early! A late-afternoon/early-evening/late-night drinking session with John_D while watching Half Man Half Biscuit had left me with a fair old hangover so the thought of a 4 hour coach-journey to West London did not fill me with joy. Anyway, three bleary-eyed people (me, Nic & Jan) in Salford shirts fell into a taxi to take us to The Willows (via the off-licence naturally) to meet up with the infamous Turkey funbus. And what a chariot it was! Looking like the bastard offspring of a Skoda and an articulated lorry, it appeared to have a suspension specifically designed by the Marquis de Sade. Any chance of hearing the choonage blasting out via Iain's MP3 was negated by an engine that was only slightly quieter than your average Boeing 747.

I had struck a deal with myself not to have a beer before 12pm. However as the M602 transformed into the M62, I found myself rummaging around in the bag to pull out a San Miguel. The satisfied look on my face after the first gulp obviously brought on a craving for ale from the ladies behind me & Nic asked me to get them a beer too. Struggling to hold my beer while rummaging around for their piss-weak brews & looking for the bottle-opener would ultimately lead to disaster as my ale toopled from its precarious grasp & proceeded to roll around the bus. We hadn't reached Warrington yet & the bus was swimming in beer while I was a bottle out of pocket. Not impressed at all.

The constant flow of beer on a bus built before the toilet was probably even invented could only have one inevitable conclusion; the whole bus pleading with the driver to pull over at the first M40 service station. As we pulled up & the whole bus de-camped to dash for the loo well let's just say that Salford shirts have never been seen to move so fast since Keith Fielding was in his pomp!

Eventually we arrived at The Stoop to be herded around by various jobsworth car-park attendants who eventually found us a spot nearer to Birmingham than to the ground. How big an attendance were they actually expecting? To make matters worse, the ground wasn't open yet & so we had to walk into Twickenham to find some refreshment. Making our way into the 1st pub (The Cabbage Patch) we were greeted by a wall of heat & a revolting smell. It's as well that for most of us the 1st port of call was to be the toilet as it was the most fragrant spot in the boozer. Needless to say we just had a quick one in there before heading next door & then back to the ground.

OK, it's a yawnion ground but I love the Stoop. Huge bars, friendly locals, it's fast becoming one of my favourite away haunts & the only downside pre-game is the lack of Utd on any of the many screens in the Kings Bar. Luckily Iain manages to get one of the tellies flipped over & we set about watching 20 mins of the plagarist Red Devils before heading out to watch the originals.
15 mins into the game & I'm considering going back to watch Utd. A cross-field kick gives Tyrone Smith time to clean his boots before taking the ball over the line for the opening score (although he looked suspiciously offside to me). Chris Melling ran in a 2nd shortly after (with a possible hint of obstruction?) before some woeful defence allowed Sykes in for a 3rd. Only some poor kicking kept us remotely in the game at 14-0. We were atrocious.

A rare foray into the Quins half & Robbo gets it out to Finnigan who plays a smart pass around the back to Wilshere to scoot over, Hodgy adding a brilliant conversion. Then amazingly Wilshere hacks through from a clever kick and despite an obvious forward pass, Robbo pulls us right back into the game. How we go in at half-time only 4 points in arrears no-one knows.

We play a bit better 2nd half but it's Quins who apply the 1st serious pressure as Rinaldi goes close. He gets up to play the ball but Bentham puts the square in the air. To our relief the big screen nearby indicates a clear double-movement. Penalty to us, but wait he's still looking at it & slowly to my disbelief I start to realise he's gonna give the try. Surely not but yes the T-R-Y appears to our left & the Salford end goes mental. The screen shows Robbo's gob-smacked reaction to the award & Rhino's clear annoyance. In the ensuing protests from our fans stewards move in to calm some of our boys down & Ignito is dismissed from the touchline lmao.

We continue to plug away & the impressive Buddha goes close after a cross-field kick caused panic but we rarely look like scoring until we create an oprning for Andy Coley, with men over he chose to go alone but just manged to ground the ball & bring us back into the game. Come on. With a couple of minutes to go we're back on the attck when Dorn is tackled high; penalty. Korki drives the ball in & keeps driving & keeps driving & he's over the line, did he get it down? Back we go to the VR; he got it down! Absolute mayhem ensues amongst our fans, it is one of the great goons of all time. Only 92 secs remaining, easy kick to come. Beautiful!

Klein takes an age to make his mind up, here it comes; "TRY - Benefit of the doubt". WHAT FUCKING DOUBT? Anyway it is madness again in our section as we celebrate a dramatic win but then I see Hodgy getting ready to kick in front of us & you can see he doesn't fancy it. True enough he screws it wide & we're left with a draw. Still most of us would have took that at the start & we would have definitely took it 20 mins into the game. We all head down to clap the players, Nicknito comes back onto the pitch before stewards kick him off again. I get thrown over the advertising boards & on to the pitch before we head back to the bar.

A great night in the bar again, a good chat with some Quins fans & a good sing-off (even though they only have 2 songs). The band are decent too, a really good night had by all & we head back to the bus drunk but happy. There's plenty to laugh about on the way home:-
"Why are you late?", "I like a drink"
Gaydon
Oxford Services
Big hats

Eventually we all have a bit of a snooze & arrive back to a cold Willows about 2:30am. Good day out, we'll be back in September.

Salford City Reds 26 Leeds Rhinos 30

At last, the new season arrives. I awake to a very grumpy girlfriend (she has to work today & missing the season opener was definitely not part of her plans). Her mood is not lifted by my chirpiness as I get ready. A taxi is ordered for 11 am & I'm soon enjoying a coffee & a breakfast in The Eccles Cross in the company of Janice (Nic's mum). With a lining on my stomach I set about the task of consuming my own body-weight in alcohol! First up was a glass of Zenith-juice (a blue lagoon with lager) before jumping a tram down to the Weaste area.

Our planned destination was the church hall near the ground & the early signs were good. As we walked through the car-park a cheery voice shouted "Bar's open lads" before turning his attention back to his hot-dog. However, on entering the hall instead of being greeted by loads of beered-up rugby fans we are surrounded by tea-drinking geriatrics! The staff explain that they forgot there was a game on but we're still more than welcome to have a beer or ten. We politely make our excused & head for an already busy Tavern where I join the Turkey mob in demolishing some Guinness.

Ignito (Salford's bizarrely camp mascot) pops into the Tavern & glad-hands a few of the younger patrons prompting much mirth amongst us. I tell Iain that Janice popped into the club shop during the week only to find Ignito sat down eating a sandwich. Iain is shcked to find that super-heroes need to eat & this prompts his girlfriend to ask us if we know who the man behind the mask is. Neither of us do.

By 2:30 I'm getting restless & want to get in the ground. It's a good job I do, the Shed is heaving already & I struggle to get a good spot. The atmosphere pre-game is rocking but the players do there bit to kill it stone-dead! An early penalty gives Leeds a great attacking position & Brent Webb arrives in the line to score after just 2 minutes; 0-6 Leeds. Worse was to follow another penalty, another great attacking position & McGuire ghosts over; 0-12 Leeds. Salford rally and after some good pressure Wilshere sweeps in at the corner. We keep the pressure on & Leeds are now giving away pens allowing Robbo to reduce the arrears to 6-12. We're now firmly camped in the Whinos half but can't get back over their line. With 5 minutes to go we're pulled up for obstruction from the resulting pen Leeds are over again. Hodgy puts the restart out on the full & from the resulting pen....guess what. Somehow we go in 6-24 down. Gutted!

We start the 2nd half with more pressure on the Leeds line and Wilshere goes in again at the corner before Aaron, Aaron Moule burrows over from dummy half to give us real hope. However, a rare Leeds attack sees Wilshere go from hero to zero as he fumbles a kick to allow Tansey in to make it 30-16. Sinfield missed with the extras but surely it's game over. Somehow though we fightback again; Haggy drives over the line & grounds the ball then a lovely sweeping move ends with Aaron, Aaron Moule diving over to send the Shed into absolute bedlam. Sadly time is against us & once again Leeds just about shade it.

Paul asks me to guide him to the club-shop after the game so he can buy the new shirt. While we're in the queue to pay in walks Ignito (closely followed by Iain). I'm a little perplexed by him coming over to shake my hand but even more gobsmacked when from under his mask I hear "See you in the Tavern in a bit Yorkie". WHAT, that's Nick's voice, Nick is Ignito! Iain tells me that the penny dropped as he walked out of the ground only for Ignito to shout "Wait up Iain!" I only hope he gets well paid to do that shit.

The post-mortem in the Tavern is fairly positive. For all but the first 10 minutes & last 5 minutes of the 1st half we were in complete control. Edmo looked quality & we looked a lot more dangerous with ball in hand. We'll play worse this season & win comfortably, you can be sure of that. The beers continue to flow in The Tav & all the old songs are getting an airing before we're warned to keep it dowm. This brings out a trademark Solly rant "I'm not being told not to sing in my own club!" & taxis are ordered to take us up to the Height.

At this point things start to get a bit blurred. There's already a gaggle of Reds on the Height (including Nic & Janice) so we're in good company. There's some very camp dancing on display in the Dog and also a very poor karaoke version of Matchstalk Men & Cats & Dogs by myself & Nicknito the Gay Power Ranger. Business as usual I suppose.

The Calm Before The Storm

Well, nearly 5 months have passed since the final hooter sounded on the 2006 season. The sound of the siren at Odsal brought an end to our first ever run in the play-offs (a run which officially lasted 80 minutes but which most of us accepted was over when we conceded 2 tries in the opening 6 minutes)! Despite the disappointment of a thorough trouncing it was a time for celebration, a team which many observers had tipped for relegation had finished the season in 5th place in the final league standings & had given us many, many moments to remember. As per usual we went straight to the nearest pub & sang our heads off in prasise of our completely-outplayed heroes. The assembled Bradford fans watched on in something akin to disbelief.

So what did I do next? Well, I allowed my liver to recover somewhat from the battering it takes during a season, I lost 10 pounds (although I'm still a fat twat) & I moved back to the right side of the pennines (or left-side I suppose geographically). I've moved in with my girlfriend Nic amd obviously I've started a new job (although early indications would suggest I've made a bad move career-wise).

Mostly though I've looked forward to the new season! Of the players we've lost only 2 will be seriously missed (Dunemann & Rutgerson) but we've brought in quality replacements in the form of Luke Dorn & Michael Korkidas. The addition of Mark Edmondson will also strengthen our pack no end. Young Luke Adamson looked good last year & will doubtless come on even more this yeat while new signing Lee Jewitt impressed me greatly when I saw him play for Wigan U18's.

The pre-season, however, did little to increase my early optimism. First came the news that Fitzy will miss most of the season & that was followed by 3 friendly defeats. First to a strong-looking Warrington side who recovered from conceding an early Halliwell try to completely boss the game. The only highlights from a Salford perspective were seeing Briers crying when he sprained his ankle & Korkidas knocking Westwood halfway round the Willows in the dying seconds.

Next up came a midweek game with Wigan for Mal Alker's testimonial. A poor first half gave no indication of the fine game we would witness after the re-start. Again there was a great punch-up (Highton & Paleasiina were the protagonists this time). Hodgy's late drop-goal appeared to have won the game for us until a moment of madness by Mal himself gifted Wigan 1 last opportunity from a scrum which they duly took & stole the spoils.

Finally a visit to my old stomping-ground of Whitefield to see us take on Swin(e)ton. A good performance from our kids wasn't enough to hold out a spirited Piggers' outfit & we narrowly lost a high-scoring, enjoyable thriller.

Still at least we only have Leeds to start the season with eh!